Post by DazListic on Mar 8, 2005 18:39:25 GMT
I've never understood people who wear wigs. In Glasgow they say "Why
pay good money for a wig when you can get the same effect by putting
glue on your head and sticking it in a barber's midden?"
When I'm on the road, I always have to have a good pen - if you've
just got a Bic, they think you're on the skids.
American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable
dolls, but they also sell just the head - supposedly for people to
drive along the freeway with.
People think there's only one way of wanking, but I've discovered a
great new way. You lie on your arm until it's gone dead. Then you do
it. And it feels like somebody else.
The great thing about being a showbiz personality is that you don't
fart any more. You get a fartectomy in Harley Street. When I got mine
done, Princess Anne was in the queue behind me. I don't think her's
worked - she still looks like a horse just shit in her handbag.
What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they
always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they
expect to find? A silver sixpence?
Language is fascinating. The real names for things can be so awful in
English. Like 'penis' and 'scrotum'. Yuch. No wonder they had to
invent different words for them, like willies, bums, and tits.
One thing they do in Hollywood is put cocaine on their willy to help
them keep it up. So now I always have a salt cellar of cocaine on the
bedside table.
Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's
easy - you look under the kilt, and if it's a quarter-pounder, you
know it's a McDonald's.
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the
William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
Ian Paisley's wife went to the dentist the other week. The dentist
asked her, "Well, how's the mouth?" "Still in bed."
There are two seasons in Scotland. June and Winter.
If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
Do you remember that politician who died with the fishnet tights and
all that? Aw, his poor family. I wonder how they dressed him in the
coffin?
Some people say, "I like women to talk dirty during sex." I like them
to shut the feathers up, I'm trying to last a decent time.
Some people have a mirror above the bed to watch themselves doing it.
But I'm such an ugly ace, I don't want to see a big white arse
moving up and down.
Isn't the scrotum an ugly bugger of a thing? It's like a hairy brain,
an ugly brute of a thing. I'm sure that's why it's tucked away in the
corner.
Poor Michael Jackson and these sex allegations. As if it's not bad
enough him being a Jehova's Witness, they're accusing him of behaving
like a Catholic priest!
The weary willies say, "Thou shalt not!" We're a race of men who wear
skirts and no knickers! We feathersing shall, we've done it before.
I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with
those wee red knives.
I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my
hand and give me a pound.
My parents used to take me to Lewis' department store in Glasgow. They
were skinflints, they used to take me to the pet department and tell
me it was the zoo.
I can't use escalators. The banisters are always moving faster than
the stairs.
It was so cold that when I woke up in the morning I found a wee ice
cube in my bed. I threw it in the fire and it went: FART!
It's so cold there that when you go for a piss, you have to snap it
off when you're done.
;D