Post by DazListic on Jan 5, 2005 20:40:38 GMT
THE 40 WAYS WOMEN FAIL IN BED
1 MILKING IT:
When stroking a guy's dick, don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the penis as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be worshipped and held tenderly at all times. The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not two-thirds of the way down
2 BEING NAKED:
Very few female bodies are good to look at, so please make an effort to cover up as much as possible with exotic lingerie. Match the outfit to suit your bod. If you've got a half-decent arse but no tits for example, wear stockings and suspenders and cover your meagre mammaries with something silky.
3 POOR PRESENTATION:
Presentation is all important. Don't wait to be asked to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present yourself. You know you love it!
4 SILENT FRIGHT:
If you've come and can't be arsed to scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he's done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants. A finger up his arse should do the trick.
5 PHONE TURN-OFF:
Don't put your mobile phone next to the bed and say: "I'm just waiting for a call from my hairdresser to confirm an appointment but we can carry on in the meantime." Ringing bells might have turned Quasimodo on but not your average stud with 10 pints of lager inside him.
6 NO LAUGHING MATTER:
Don't laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away and says things like "Ride my hard cock you filthy cock-sucking slut" or "Yeah, swallow my man-custard bitch". Laughter at any aspect of the male performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful you've got a guy who can speak whole sentences.
7 CLOSING UP:
If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your face, don't close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful union with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases - but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.
8 TOO BRIGHT:
If the man switches the light off, it is for a reason, so please don't insist on seeing what's going on. If hes got a bit of a beer belly or a lovebite from a bonk earlier that day, it is his right to keep such matters to himself. If he wants it dark so he can imagine he's shafting Natalie Imbruglia, please understand this fascinating aspect of the male psyche.
9 HANGING AROUND:
When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you are a one-night stand you should leave the premises without thieving anything or asking for a phone number.
10 BEING SHY:
Always offer the Marmite Motorway. If you don’t like it that much, still offer it as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away.
11 BEING A DRIP:
You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed everything.
12 LACK OF MAINTENANCE:
Never ask a man if he likes your body as you will force him to lie. Men don't like fat chicks. Get in the gym and lose some weight and tighten those buns and thighs. There is no such thing as the perfect body. 99.6 per cent of men say that even Christy, Elle, Naomi, etc all could still lose a few pounds - so what chance have you got?
13 CLOCK-WATCHING:
Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying: "Are you going to come soon." If you're doing a blowie, you'd have to take your mouth off to utter the question. If you’re giving a hand-job, you should have gone to the gym to work your biceps and wrists. Or if he's shagging you and takes more than 10 minutes you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a blissful act of union between two sexually aware and gifted human beings.
14 FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS:
Don't ask him if you're the best lover he's ever had. Most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that you are. Please don’t ask a man to lie about such an important thing.
15 PLAYING DEAD:
Don't just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard and skilful work. We don't mind that and were blessed with the equipment and know-how to do it but at least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation.
16 BEING POSSESSIVE:
If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who can satisfy two women at a time don't sneer at or reject his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. If he's a real man he's probably shagging her anyway. Plus, you might learn something from her to keep your man really happy.
17 NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON:
Don't shave all your pubic hair off. It makes your pussy look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it looks like the snatch of a five-year-old. If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favoured by the Playboy models that your man would rather be shagging.
18 SPITTING IT OUT:
When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savouring the taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side. A line like "I love it when you come in my mouth" makes for a happy finale to fun and games.
19 INGRATITUDE:
Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he has expended on making love to you - especially if:
a) sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or
cool.gif you managed to achieve an orgasm. A man's role in sex is far more demanding than a woman's so it is always nice when one's prowess is appreciated.
20 SEEKING FAVOURS:
Never contemplate taking advantage of your mans warm after-sex glow to seek favours or make requests. As he drops off into well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask :"Do you think I should buy that dress/skirt/sofa/Mercedes/country cottage?" There is a name for the practice of mixing sex with material gain - prostitution.
1 MILKING IT:
When stroking a guy's dick, don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the penis as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be worshipped and held tenderly at all times. The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not two-thirds of the way down
2 BEING NAKED:
Very few female bodies are good to look at, so please make an effort to cover up as much as possible with exotic lingerie. Match the outfit to suit your bod. If you've got a half-decent arse but no tits for example, wear stockings and suspenders and cover your meagre mammaries with something silky.
3 POOR PRESENTATION:
Presentation is all important. Don't wait to be asked to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present yourself. You know you love it!
4 SILENT FRIGHT:
If you've come and can't be arsed to scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he's done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants. A finger up his arse should do the trick.
5 PHONE TURN-OFF:
Don't put your mobile phone next to the bed and say: "I'm just waiting for a call from my hairdresser to confirm an appointment but we can carry on in the meantime." Ringing bells might have turned Quasimodo on but not your average stud with 10 pints of lager inside him.
6 NO LAUGHING MATTER:
Don't laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away and says things like "Ride my hard cock you filthy cock-sucking slut" or "Yeah, swallow my man-custard bitch". Laughter at any aspect of the male performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful you've got a guy who can speak whole sentences.
7 CLOSING UP:
If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your face, don't close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful union with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases - but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.
8 TOO BRIGHT:
If the man switches the light off, it is for a reason, so please don't insist on seeing what's going on. If hes got a bit of a beer belly or a lovebite from a bonk earlier that day, it is his right to keep such matters to himself. If he wants it dark so he can imagine he's shafting Natalie Imbruglia, please understand this fascinating aspect of the male psyche.
9 HANGING AROUND:
When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you are a one-night stand you should leave the premises without thieving anything or asking for a phone number.
10 BEING SHY:
Always offer the Marmite Motorway. If you don’t like it that much, still offer it as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away.
11 BEING A DRIP:
You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed everything.
12 LACK OF MAINTENANCE:
Never ask a man if he likes your body as you will force him to lie. Men don't like fat chicks. Get in the gym and lose some weight and tighten those buns and thighs. There is no such thing as the perfect body. 99.6 per cent of men say that even Christy, Elle, Naomi, etc all could still lose a few pounds - so what chance have you got?
13 CLOCK-WATCHING:
Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying: "Are you going to come soon." If you're doing a blowie, you'd have to take your mouth off to utter the question. If you’re giving a hand-job, you should have gone to the gym to work your biceps and wrists. Or if he's shagging you and takes more than 10 minutes you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a blissful act of union between two sexually aware and gifted human beings.
14 FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS:
Don't ask him if you're the best lover he's ever had. Most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that you are. Please don’t ask a man to lie about such an important thing.
15 PLAYING DEAD:
Don't just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard and skilful work. We don't mind that and were blessed with the equipment and know-how to do it but at least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation.
16 BEING POSSESSIVE:
If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who can satisfy two women at a time don't sneer at or reject his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. If he's a real man he's probably shagging her anyway. Plus, you might learn something from her to keep your man really happy.
17 NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON:
Don't shave all your pubic hair off. It makes your pussy look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it looks like the snatch of a five-year-old. If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favoured by the Playboy models that your man would rather be shagging.
18 SPITTING IT OUT:
When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savouring the taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side. A line like "I love it when you come in my mouth" makes for a happy finale to fun and games.
19 INGRATITUDE:
Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he has expended on making love to you - especially if:
a) sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or
cool.gif you managed to achieve an orgasm. A man's role in sex is far more demanding than a woman's so it is always nice when one's prowess is appreciated.
20 SEEKING FAVOURS:
Never contemplate taking advantage of your mans warm after-sex glow to seek favours or make requests. As he drops off into well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask :"Do you think I should buy that dress/skirt/sofa/Mercedes/country cottage?" There is a name for the practice of mixing sex with material gain - prostitution.